The hardest times refine us the most

I've lost count of the number of times over the last few months that I have come so close to throwing in the towel.  So many times I have asked myself the question, 'What am I doing here?'.  Why did I choose to give up my happy life and my home to come here and be buffeted day after day by the doubt, fear, pain and poverty that I encounter every time I step off the ship?  Who wouldn't be affected by the desperation of the people here.  Almost every day I get approached on the street by those with medical ailments that we cannot help with, looking at me as their last chance.  I have to say no to so many, so much so that I have no room for compassion in my heart for those that I encounter so briefly.  I suppose it's a form of self preservation but deep down it still hurts to see this raw need right in front of my eyes.  


On Monday, whilst visiting a patient, I was handed a 6 month old baby.  She was around the size of a new born.  Her mother had abandoned her at 2 months old.  Since then she had been looked after by neighbours and had now found her way to her grandmother who is living in the same house as my patient.  They had been feeding her little emaciated form rice and palm oil which is just about all that they can afford.  As I looked into her big eyes, my heart wept.  I couldn't ignore this situation.  I hope that I can support the grandmother through a local feeding programme and through our visits to bring the weight back to her body. 


I've found myself becoming so protective of my little flock, those God has entrusted me to look after.  I know that in some small way despite the pain, the heartache and the tears that I am bringing a little piece of tranquility and peace to their anxious lives.  When I think of my selfish will and my anxieties, they pale in comparison to theirs.  Every day I struggle with the smallest things.  I can safely say that this has been the hardest experience I have ever been through but God has also been speaking to me so much.  He has reminded me again that the hardest experiences are the ones that refine us the most.  Beth Moore in her bible study 'Living Beyond Yourself' puts it so well:       

'Do we want to be conformed (to the image of Christ) or do we want to be comforted?  At times, to choose the will of God over our own is excruciating.  We love our flesh and it hurts to have its desires crucified!  Never understand pain as permission to forego the will of God.'