Well what a roller coaster week it has been! I can't put in to words all the emotions that I have been through over the past few days.
By last Thursday I felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness about my work. Hopelessness at not being able to practically offer my patients anything, hopelessness at all the questions that I did not have the answers for and a hopelessness at the situations that so many people here find themselves in with no hope of access to treatment for many simple medical conditions.
I went to see a 26 year old woman on Thursday morning who has a type of cancer for which the cure rate is very good if treated early. The left side of her face and eye were swollen with the tumour that started in her lymph nodes and is spreading to the rest of her face. I had to break the diagnosis to her, her father and her brother, that she could possibly respond well to treatment but that she would have to find money to pay for it. I could see the sadness and despair in her fathers eyes as he realised that he had to make the decision between paying for treatment which he could not possibly afford and which may not be curative and not paying for treatment and therefore watching his daughter die. I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to make that decision. There were many moments like that this week where I just have not had the words to say to people. I believe that God is a loving God and will provide comfort to people in their distress however I felt in a way that I was short changing people by showing them that prayer was all I had to offer.
I had the opportunity on Friday to meet and pray with some wonderful people who were able to advise me and help me bring things into focus. I came to realise that the most important thing for my patients at the moment is not to provide practically for them but to show them love by just being there, building up relationship with them and showing them that there is someone who cares about their anguish, pain and suffering. For me this is going to be difficult as I tend to show people love through practical things. However God has really spoken to me in my times with him this weekend and I was reminded again in a sermon that I was listening to of the verses in Isaiah 61:1-3 that have spoken to me so many times over the past few months. I feel inspired to pray with faith for my patients and with a faith that God will move powerfully in their lives.
Despite that, there have been moments of thankfulness and joy this week. On Tuesday we went to visit a lady who lives next to Lake Togo and whose uncle owns a guest house on the shore of the lake. He has had both cataracts removed by the eye surgeon on the ship and insisted on giving us lunch and drinks to thank us for all we have done for him and his niece. It was one of those surreal and humbling moments where you feel amazed that such a simple thing as a cataract operation can bring such joy. Another moment came at the funeral of our patient who died at the end of my first week here. There must have been about 500 people crammed under an awning outside the patients house. There were 3 choirs, a brass band and African drums. I went expecting it to be very loud however the family were Catholic and it was as close to a traditional church service as I have seen out here! The priest read prayers and preached which was interspersed with songs/music from the choirs and band. The mood was very sombre. At the end of the service, everyone stands in a long line and processes past the family shaking their hands. Except of course we had to do it about 6 times as everyone was so excited to see two 'Yovo's' (white people)! At this point we were found by the patients sister who was so warm and welcoming. She kept grabbing my hand in excitement! After this, we went into the house to view the body. This was bizarre, not for the fact of seeing a dead body but the fact that they had put a lot of make up on him, died his hair back to black and put a false moustache on (presumably to make him look like he did 20 years ago!). We then sat down with the aunt and one of the sons who proceeded to tell us over and over again how happy they were that we had come and had kept our word. We were also told that we are now part of the family and have even been invited back for food! All this just because we visited this man once. I can't express how honoured I was that this family chose to welcome us so much after we had done so little. There was very little mourning more of an upbeat, if somber, mood. Death is ever present out here and is accepted as the norm. Maybe that is why people find it so difficult to talk about?
I hope that I can show this love and respect to all my patients over the coming weeks and I am praying that they can come to know peace through their grief and suffering.
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